What to Say...

I posted a link to this article on my Facebook account and was asked "Well, what should we say?" (in a nice way).  And I realized, even when posting it, that it doesn't address that question...

I guess, it's like anything.  There's not really a right thing to say.  But there are themes that just don't make anyone going through a difficult time feel any better.  And it's usually easier to identify what shouldn't be said than come up with what should be.

Don't try to minimize what we're going through.  This would be implied by any sentence beginning with "At least..."  Also not really appreciated as "You should..."

This is not like your spouse's business trip.   The article mentions this, but I seriously can't tell you how many times people tried to "comfort" me like this and it just isn't appropriate.  Are there people shooting at your spouse on their business trips?

But again, I'm not addressing what DO you say.

I'll pray for you.  That's a good one.  The best, many would argue.  What should you pray for specifically?  For the one at home (especially with children): patience, stamina, understanding, compassion, resillience and the ability to multi-task while not losing sight of the little things.  For the one away: focus, safety, compassion & dedication.  Or as my husband would say "to do good... whatever that means".
What do YOU need?  Never ask a military wife if you can help.  She'll say no.  Men probably will to, but I don't have as much experience with, so obviously, I'm using "she" not to be discriminating just because it's the gender I associate with.

If you offer something, follow through.  If you forget, she won't remind you.  She'll just cope.  But it'll hurt, especially if you have one of those "We Support the Troops" stickers.   

Remember the family/spouse at the holidays/special occassions/weekends.  Those days can be lonely and the most busy for "you" so we're not going to intrude or push ourselves on anyone.  The last thing we'd do is try to infringe on someone else's family time- we know how special that is!  But the long weekends, the days without a break... those can be hard, especially when you're home all day with young children.

Don't assume that the increase in communication "makes it better/easier".

Don't assume that homecomings happen like they do on tv...  Readjusting can take time, be hard on all people in the family and take a while to work through. 

You can educate yourself.  Find out why we're there.  Why it's complicated.  Why when some politician says something about troops level it doesn't mean anything about whether my spouse is still leaving.  And as you're learning, don't assume that anything you learn means anything about my political beliefs (or that of any military spouse)...  I support my spouse.  End of story in most cases.

How will I get through this deployment? Starbucks... Barnes and Noble... Friends... Staying busy.  Really busy.

I do think it was well summed up well on a bumper sticker on a HumVee in a deployed location.
"Pray for my wife... she's home alone with the kids."

But you know, honestly, sometimes I'm a better parent when I'm the only one.  Sometimes I have more focus on being there for my kids, allow myself less distraction & selfishly do enjoy being there for everything with my kids.  I have a wonderful spouse who is involved with our family to the point that his presence is actually missed.  We have beautiful children who love him and will miss him.  I'm not saying it's easy and I'm not saying there aren't days I want to lose it.  Just that there are positives and staying focused on them can make all the difference.

*please know, these are just my rambling thoughts and are not true for every military spouse, every situation, etc.  In other words, it's a blog.